


Act 5

by streimel



Series: Behind Closed Doors [3]
Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-28
Updated: 2014-04-28
Packaged: 2018-01-21 02:38:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1534520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/streimel/pseuds/streimel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dongwoo learns that all things must come to an end sometime.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm putting this in two chapters because it's way longer than I expected, my bad!

_"Beautiful eyes that rested elsewhere_   
_Deep eyes unable to remain with me_

_Understand_   
_Understand how my heart_   
_Wants to forever keep you near_

_I’m in love with you_

_I’m sorry_   
_But I think that you’ll_   
_Understand this eventually_

_’Cause this is all about love_   
_Yes it’s love"_

 

Woohyun doesn't get the whole story until after they are back home, and long after he's at his wits' end. No amount of cajoling, begging, and catching both Sunggyu and Dongwoo alone and off-guard has given him any answers.

At first, he's just a little worried.

On their part, Sunggyu and Dongwoo  **almost**  seem totally, completely, a thousand percent unchanged, especially with each other. There's no awkwardness between them - to any outsider, one would even think their friendship was better than ever. They ham it up onstage, laughing and taking pictures and holding hands. Offstage, their behavior is no different - friendly and cordial, a real hyung and dongsaeng relationship.

 _Respect_ , is what Sunggyu would call it. Dongwoo always has and always probably will treat Sunggyu with the utmost respect, never forgetting to call him hyung or use impolite speech with him.

 _Bullshit_ , is what he would call it. Dongwoo and Sunggyu are more formal and polite and courteous now than the day they first met, years and years ago. It seems almost as if they are in a contest to out-polite each other; one of them holds the door open for the other, and that one responds by making sure to get a cold water bottle for the other during rehearsals without even being asked. They humble fight over everything, insisting the other take the last piece of meat, the most comfortable spot in the van, the microphone that works the best.

Which, albeit, for Dongwoo, isn't so strange. For Sunggyu, the man who lacks nothing in terms of vanity and self-centeredness (attributes he hardly even denies), the differences are disconcerting. Not that Sunggyu doesn't always have moments of charity, sometimes even handing over his bank card to the others after a long day's practice, telling them to go a little crazy and buy a big feast for the group on his expense, because, hey, they deserve it. But when Sunggyu asks to retape a segment of an interview with a local group in the city they are in because he accidentally answered a question he feels Dongwoo should really have spoken on, no one can hide their shock.

It's no secret amongst the group that Sunggyu loves his screen time, and Sunggyu himself admits it proudly that he prefers the camera to be on him. So as he sits front and center, debating his logic to the PD with a thousand and one reasons they should reshoot the question, everyone else can't help but react. Myungsoo's mouth is agape, eyes centered on the back of Sunggyu's head. Howon and Sungjong, sitting on the opposite sides of the group, send each other thoughtful glances out of the corner of their eyes. Sungyeol, sitting beside him behind Sunggyu's back, reaches down to squeeze his hand in question, and he returns a subtle shrug. He has no idea either. Dongwoo seems to be the only one unfazed, staring straight ahead at the wall like he's a million miles away.

The PD finally seems to relent, and turns back to the crew to set up the question again. Everyone else settles back in, straightening clothes and fixing stray pieces of hair before the cameras come back on. Only Myungsoo remains unchanged, mouth still slack as he stares at Sunggyu.

"Ya, Kim Myungsoo! What kind of look are you portraying as our visual? Close your mouth before something flies in there."

Sunggyu's command makes everyone draw to attention, prim and proper as Catholic school girls, and Myungsoo's mouth snaps shut with an audible click. Sunggyu hadn't even turned around once to look at Myungsoo's face, but this isn't the first time any of them suspect Sunggyu has eyes in the back of his head.

Something is up, and he's going to get to the bottom of it.

* * *

He had begun to worry almost immediately. The morning after that first night in the hotel, he and Sungyeol had woken up from their sleep obscenely early (if you could really count a few small stretches of dozing off as constituting sleep at all) and immediately went on a search for coffee, walking hand-in-hand down the deserted hallways of the hotel at 5:30 am.

Mission accomplished, they had walked towards the rooftop terrace to soak in the last hour of bright city lights before sunrise, when Sungyeol had spotted Dongwoo though the glass doors, still as a statue in the pre-dawn blackness.

"Holy shit, I totally forgot he and Sunggyu roomed together last night! Do you think...I mean...is he okay?"

'Okay' is probably the very last word he would use to describe Dongwoo's appearance right now. If anything, 'eerily and frighteningly devoid of all signs of life' would probably be a better option.

"I don't know, Sungyeol. But this doesn't look good. At all."

Sungyeol had pulled forward, obviously intent on dragging them into the terrace and checking on Dongwoo, but something had made him dig in and resist.

Maybe it was the way their hands were clasped together, fingers intertwined. Or maybe it was Sungyeol's tousled hair and heavy-lidded eyes and swollen lips and just totally shining glow of love and contentment and happiness. Or maybe it was the fact that, even though he had avoided the mirror like the plague this morning, he already knew his face was something similar - tired, spent, shining like the forthcoming sun.

"I don't think we - I mean, if something happened and he's...upset, you know, then it might be worse if we parade in and..."

But Sungyeol is already nodding silently in agreement, eyes knowing and warm as he unfurls his fingers.

"Go on. I'll go back to the room, maybe clean up a bit. Go."

"Are you sure?"

He hates to be that person already, but after two years of dreaming and wanting and longing, he doesn't want to be away from Sungyeol, even momentarily.

"He obviously needs you right now. Go, take as much time as you need. Besides, I know if I'm sitting next to you, you'll certainly be awestruck by my charming good looks to the point of distraction."

"Charming good looks? Pfffft, did you know you drool when you sleep sometimes? I'll show you the pictures when I get back to the room."

"You took pictures of me when I was sleeping again?! Ya, Nam Woohyun!"

But he's already sliding through the glass doors, a loving kiss blown over his shoulder.

* * *

If Dongwoo heard him enter, he doesn't respond to his sudden appearance and continues to stare at the skyline in the distance. He might even believe Dongwoo were asleep, sitting up and eyes open, if it weren't for the barely noticeable, repetitive tap of his fingers against his left thigh.

"Sleep well?"

It's a stupid question, a socially programmed reaction to encountering someone in the morning, and he immediately kicks himself for asking it. Dongwoo looks normal enough, as if perhaps maybe he did actually sleep, but he's lost the ability to tell who's slept and who hasn't over the years - everyone runs at such a constant level of exhaustion that he can barely remember what most of them look like well-rested.

"Hmm." Dongwoo replies noncommittally, with just the hint of a small smile drawing his mouth up. He still looking at the skyline, however.

He really doesn't know how to react, or what to say. Dongwoo's expression gives nothing away, especially nothing negative, but that's something he's had years of practice with. The fact that he won't make eye contact is a bit more telling; Dongwoo's a real people person, and he rarely doesn't acknowledge someone in this way.

They sit in silence for a while, an occurrence that happens frequently enough between the two of them, but this time, it lacks its usual comfort. Dongwoo seems perfectly content to barely acknowledge his existence, but he feels in for a penny, in for a pound. Besides, after all of Dongwoo's (albeit helpful) meddling, fair is fair.

"You want to tell me about it?"

"About what, Woohyun?"

 _Oh_ , he thinks,  _so that's how it's going to be_. Dongwoo's put on his fool's mask, the mask he wears so well in which he can appear to be the innocent, silly dummy and the reporters and PDs and fans will eat it up.

But Woohyun knows him better than that. They all do. Over half a decade of seeing each other nearly every day, all day has led all of them, even the ones who are the least close, to know each other's every trick and lie and sign. And he knows Dongwoo is totally aware of that. So why is he even bothering?

"You know, I can just go ask Sunggyu..."

It's a hollow threat. If Dongwoo isn't willing to talk about it, Sunggyu sure as hell isn't going to spill. At least, not likely, and probably not without copious amounts of alcohol. Sunggyu is an iron fortress when it comes to his secrets at times, and if Dongwoo (the man's who heart is as big and open as his mouth) is remaining tight-lipped on the situation, it's most likely going to the grave with only the pair of them knowing.

He sits back in his chair, sighing deeply and staring at the ceiling. It's not that he's curious in a dirty details sense - honestly, that's not what's important here. The reason he really wants to know is because Dongwoo looks dead on the inside, the light that usually shines from his eyes a mere dim flicker, and that's one of the scariest things he's ever seen in his time in the group. He wants to push, but Dongwoo seems immovable. Nothing to gain, so nothing to say.

It's way too early in the morning to be plotting how to crack open the vault of someone's heart.

"Do you want me to go?"

"Not yet."

So he waits, even though he has no idea what he's waiting for. Dongwoo doesn't look like he's going to say or do anything, and he doesn't know if he's just providing some solace through company or being dragged along for some other reason. He almost begins to get antsy when Dongwoo finally turns to look at him.

"You two looked happy. Cute, even. Is it safe for me to say 'I told you so' yet?"

Dongwoo's smiling, and it's a real, authentic Jang Dongwoo smile, not something forced on for the sake of looking happy. And yeah, the roaring fire that usually illuminates his eyes is gone, but there's at least the flicker of a candle in there, a bit shaky but shining on.

"You saw us?"

"Mmhmm."

Silence lapses again, this time more uncomfortable than the last. Dongwoo's looks are turbulent - happy, and almost content for a moment, but struggling and dark in the next instant. And he, the bumbling idiot with words, has no idea what to say.

"Did you...do you really think seeing you two would make me unhappy? That, whatever situation you think I went through last night, that I would let my own feelings get in the way of something so beautiful. I don't know what you're thinking right now, but I can guess. And I will tell you, right now, it's not like that. Nothing happened. Don't get all worked up and play detective here - your hunt will turn up nothing. Ask Sunggyu himself. He won't even know what you're talking about."

"Dongwoo..."

"I think you should go get some more time in with him before the day starts and we get busy."

"Dongwoo, please -"

"Woohyun."

Maybe Dongwoo tried to come off forceful, but it just sounds like a plea. The flickering light in his eyes has blown out, and he knows there's nothing more he can say for now. So he gets up and leaves, not even looking back, because it's all too much.

 _Nothing_ , Dongwoo said. He debates the various meanings of the word nothing all the way back to the room. There's the most obvious meaning of it, but he doubts (silently hoping he's right) that that's what Dongwoo meant. Surely Dongwoo didn't waste the night avoiding the conversation, or Sunggyu himself, especially after pushing him to talk to Sungyeol so emphatically. But what else could he mean? That he and Sunggyu are nothing? The very idea is heartbreaking.

When he gets back to his room, he tries as best as he can to not wake up a dozing Sungyeol, even though the feat is nearly impossible and Sungyeol cracks one bloodshot eye at him before rolling over with a heavy sigh.

He sits for a long time on the bed beside Sungyeol, drinking him in. He's wearing two mismatched socks, a leftover moment from the night before when he stole one of his own off his foot and yelled "couple item!" while throwing him the other one to put on. His face bears a leftover coffee cream mustache were he apparently took off the lid of his coffee and chugged the remnants - he takes a picture of this, too. He'll probably pay for that later, but it'll be worth it. He's so lovable to look at that he stays up until the sun peeks over the horizon, washing the room in golden-red streams of light.

He finally lays down when he realizes the battle between his happiness and Dongwoo's apparent misery isn't going to be resolved in this moment. They don't have to be up for a few more hours, and he might as well succumb to the peaceful nothingness of sleep while he can.

The last thing he thinks as Sungyeol wraps him up in long limbs and the comforting scents he's grown to love so much is that Dongwoo really would want him to be happy, despite everything. And with Sungyeol nuzzling his ear in his sleep, murmuring something intelligible but adorable, he doesn't feel so bad when he smiles.

* * *

He beelines to Sunggyu the moment he spots him, not caring if Dongwoo sees him do it or not (and almost hoping that Dongwoo  **does**  see him do it).

"Morning."

Sunggyu grunts half a greeting in response, never the one for mornings, compounded with the added task at hand of reading the daily schedule off his phone.

"You okay?"

"What the hell are you talking about? Of course I'm okay. Unless you count being exhausted, jet-lagged, homesick, tired of people named Nam Woohyun interrupting me when I'm trying to read very important e-mails that pertain to our daily activities and timelines..."

Sunggyu's still going on, blabbering and whining about his life like always, but he's not paying any attention. Dongwoo wasn't lying. Sunggyu is just his normal self - nothing out of the ordinary, not even a hint that the question posed to him would have any deeper meaning than his usual round of complaints.

Did Dongwoo really waste an opportunity like this? That hypocrite.

He's debating how to begin the lecture he wants to give Dongwoo later when Sunggyu freezes, and he realizes Dongwoo is standing next to him, and the air has changed so quickly that he feels his skin crawl as an iciness washes over them.

"Jungryoul says we should be ready to go soon, and to please forward the e-mail to everyone so they have the schedule as well."

A perfect delivery. Not a single thing out of the ordinary - every word said in a normal pitch. No lingering awkwardness or anger or sadness or anything. Just a run-of-the-mill conversation.

"Why didn't he just text me himself?"

Hm. Not out of the ordinary for Sunggyu to ask. The right amount of grumpiness too. But there's a bit more edge than usual.

"He's busy helping Sungjong pull Howon out of bed. I just ran into him in the hall and he asked me to tell you in passing."

And like that, Dongwoo's gone, leaving a dark aura remaining around Sunggyu.

There's a hint of something, maybe pain, in Sunggyu's eyes, but before he can jump on it, Sunggyu's ordering him to go get coffee,  **now**.

"Here, take my wallet, and go to the place you went this morning. We're all going to need it today."

He turns to leave before realizing just what Sunggyu had said, and he whips around.

"How did you -"

" **Go**."

It's such a typical Sunggyu delivery. The impatience and irritability and the twinge of anger at being questioned and not having his very command obeyed the moment he says it, but now it's so much darker than normal.

So he grabs Sungyeol and heads off once again down the street, counting his blessings in a weird way. Because unless Sunggyu has a trail on him or Sungyeol (a scenario that really isn't outside the realm of possibility, he supposes), Dongwoo and Sunggyu have almost certainly talked about something this morning since he last left Dongwoo sitting on the terrace, and that means they aren't giving each other the cold shoulder.

It must not be that bad, right?

* * *

Well, it's certainly not the  _first_  time he's ever been completely wrong.

There are only a handful of performances before they're home free, back to Korea and a new year and a new cycle of promotions. But the end of the tour can't seem to come soon enough, and they're stuck living on the road, the rotation of interviews and rehearsals and airports with new faces that are so much of a blur that they feel bad that they're just more people they'll probably never remember.

And shopping. Always shopping.

Everyone seems to be holding up pretty much the same, counting down the days until they get back home and have a quick breather for the holidays. Myungsoo remains on lockdown, particularly after management has to make a press release to the public, coming clean about what supposedly happened. Myungsoo walks around, snapping pictures like normal, but there's definitely an air of listlessness there, punctuated only by Sungyeol's intermittent attempts to bring him out. He doesn't ask Sungyeol where they go or what they talk about, and Sungyeol doesn't provide anything either. Besides, he already knows the extent of the situation anyway - Myungsoo's (understandably) upset, and it'll take some time to heal.

Howon and Sungjong seem to be the only ones unaffected by the disease known as love (or are so far gone it doesn't even phase them anymore), and stay in their comfy little bubble, occasionally attaching themselves to his and Sungyeol's own little cocoon or welcoming Myungsoo into their's in an attempt to take his mind off things. They all drink a little too much sometimes, hit the hotel gym, swim in the pool at one in the morning - things they'd do at home, only slightly more disjointed.

But Dongwoo and Sunggyu...it's like they've fallen off the face of the Earth. Of course, they see them everyday. But when free time rolls around, they are  _gone_. Calls go unanswered. Texts are finally replied hours later with bogus excuses of " _didn't see you texted me_ " or " _sorry, was napping_ ". Most of the extended invitations to dinner are politely declined.

They obviously must be answering the managers promptly, because they seem to have no idea anything is out of the ordinary (though, admittedly, they are still distracted by Myungsoo). And though all of them are growing more and more suspicious, no one has the gall to bring it out in the open.

The few times he gets Sunggyu alone for shopping or coffee or sightseeing, the fortress of his mind is so protected, it's impossible to crack him. For once in his life, Sunggyu doesn't talk about himself nearly at all, and defers to topics such as Nell's new album, their upcoming promotions, something his sister's been doing recently, if Sungjong is really a hopeless case or if he can actually finally learn to respect his hyungs (outside Howon, of course) or if he's too far gone...

Dongwoo just avoids him alone as much as possible. Which has led to him becoming really great at tracking and catching him unaware, and he's comforted to know he has a bright future as a spy or bounty hunter when this is all done. But Dongwoo remains silent on the subject, insisting nothing has happened out of the ordinary and any perceived notion that he and Sunggyu are spending more time together is really underestimating the amount of naps the both of them take.

They might be able to let it go if it weren't for the peculiar behavior they display in front of the group when they're together. The formal niceties that scream " _we're fighting_ " or at least " _we're not getting along that well_ ". If it weren't for that, they might just think it was a sudden hyung bonding period, something the two of them have gone through before where they've gotten extremely close for a time. But the weird public behavior AND the unexplained absences...well, that says something completely different.

He nearly gives up trying at all when Sunggyu accidentally lets him in (literally). He's finishing up his daily workout routine when Mr. Lazy himself manages to drag himself into gym, looking unenthused for the forthcoming exertion he's about to endure. Sunggyu climbs on the treadmill next to the one he's cooling down on with a nod in his direction, stretching and getting into his own workout.

"Where's your buddy at?"

He hasn't told Sunggyu anything about Sungyeol, and for good reason, but he still hesitates, wondering if that statement is an implication or not. Sunggyu's been so concentrated on...whatever he's been doing (" _napping_ "), but for the first time, he wonders if maybe Dongwoo filled him in. He really, really hopes not.

Sunggyu's question seems innocent enough though, and he's still waiting for an answer, one earbud in as he quickens his walking pace.

"Sick, again. He's got a fever, it seems. I think we used all of his pain meds when most of us were hungover in New York, so I'm about to go hit up the convenience store in the lobby and make sure he's feeling better for practice tomorrow."

He really has to credit Sunggyu for trying to be an attentive leader, even when he's mostly distracted, because his head whips around at this news, and the concern is evident on his face.

"Is he okay? Does he need to go to the hospital? I can call Jungryoul right now and..."

"No no no, he's not that bad. You know how he gets when he gets exhausted. He's been sleeping for two hours or so now; I'll go get him some medicine and water and he'll sleep through the night and be fine in the morning."

"He really should be sleeping more. He's been exhausted lately."

Sunggyu says it like any off-hand comment, almost as if he mentioning how the weather was today, but he can't help but feel that there's something more there...some warning in the words. He tries to deflect by turning it back on Sunggyu.

"Where's your buddy at?"

Damn. Sunggyu still doesn't react to a single effort on his part to evoke something, anything.

"I don't know, actually. I think he went for a walk. Said something about fresh air, I think."

He's wiping down the machine when Sunggyu fishes into his pocket and throws something his way.

"What do you want me to do with this?" he asks curiously, holding up the wallet.

"I've been slacking taking care of everyone lately. I didn't expect that I'd be this exhausted, and I feel sorry I'm not protecting my members like I should be. Buy whatever he needs, don't worry about the expense. It's the least I can do. I'll come get it back when I'm done here."

Well, he's certainly not going to argue about not having to spend his money.

It's not 'til he's paying for it all the he realizes that he has Sunggyu's room key.

If he's going to be a spy one day, he might as well start practicing now.

* * *

Once he checks in on Sungyeol and makes sure he's set for the night, he creeps across the hallway, feeling guilty as sin but determined to find some answers. If only Dongwoo could see him now, a detective hot on the trail for clues.

He honestly doesn't even know what he's looking for. It's not like he expects to walk into the room and see a huge sex dungeon and think "hm, just as I suspected! Case closed." He also doesn't think he's going to walk in to find a room destroyed by some massive brawl that might have taken place between them. It would explain a lot, but he doubts that's what he'll encounter.

In fact, he really only begins to doubt what he's doing at all after he's already slipped in and closed the door quietly behind him. From what he sees instantly, everything is normal - no broken lamps and shattered TV. No weird S&M devices set up in the corner. Just Dongwoo's clothes thrown about the floor and Sunggyu's vitamins on tables and desks and dressers and two unmade beds.

It takes all of his willpower to not scream like a child when he hears Dongwoo speak. He had relied on Sunggyu saying he was out and not expected him to be here, but he realizes Dongwoo has his own key and could have come back at any time.

"Hyung, I didn't think you'd be back for another 20 minutes. I'm so sorry. If I had known I would you were coming back earlier I would have tried to stop."

Dongwoo is huddled in a ball in a chair facing the window and away from the door. His voice is creaky and hoarse, and he's obviously been crying, is still crying, very hard, and from the spot he's frozen in, he can see Dongwoo desperately trying to wipe tears off his face.

His mind is going a hundred miles a minute. Because he swears Dongwoo is apologizing...for crying. Jang Dongwoo, cry-baby of Infinite, rivaled only by Sungyeol in his ability to sob over the littlest things. And he sounds scared.

This is way more fucked up than any sex dungeon he could have found.

"Dongwoo, what are you talking about?"

Maybe he should have been more gentle, walked over and kneeled down and seen if he was okay. But right now he's only interpreting this situation a few ways and none of them are good and he is  _livid_. That doesn't mean he doesn't feel bad when Dongwoo nearly tips the chair over scrambling to his feet.

"Woohyun! Wh- what are you doing here?"

"I came to check on you, that's what. And you and I are going to sit down and have a nice little chat right now, and you're going to tell me what's going on. Okay?"

Dongwoo looks frantic, looking at the door and back at him again and again.

"Look, you should get out of here before he comes back. I swear I'm fine, but if he comes back and sees you here..."

"Oh! Yeah! Now I really want to leave! What the **fuck** , Dongwoo? Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you ask me for help? Let him come; I'd love to hear him try to talk his way out of this one."

Dongwoo is sitting on the far bed, head in his hands, and it takes his a while to pull himself together enough to answer him.

"I swear...it's not what you think. I'm just...I've made it look a lot worse than it seems. He doesn't like to see me cry about him is all. So I try to do it when he's not around."

"Oh, sure, because _that's_ healthy."

He knows he should cool it, that Dongwoo needs him right now and the biting sarcasm is just making Dongwoo feel worse. But he's so, so angry. So angry that his supposed best friend is apparently a fucking monster. A monster that would hurt and push around his own fucking member to the point of near mental breakdown. And so, so angry that he didn't see this. That he didn't stop it.

"And what's this about me needing to get out of here before he gets back? Is he going to hurt me? Wait, is he going to hurt you?"

The idea makes him sick to his stomach, and he can feel his fists clench involuntarily.

"What?! No! No, it's just that he didn't -"

Dongwoo doesn't get a chance to finish his explanation; there's a knock at the door, and he can hear Sunggyu calling for Dongwoo to let him in.

"Let's see what he has to say for himself."

* * *

There have been numerous times he's wanted to beat the shit out of another member for one thing or another. It's definitely happened; even he and Sungyeol have gotten into it before, though usually it never progresses for any of them very far before they're lying on the ground, panting and apologetic.

But right now...right now, he doesn't even want to hold back. He wants to punch Sunggyu in his stupid, evil, smug face again and again until he wipes that fucking look off of it. And he might have, if Dongwoo weren't holding him back.

Sunggyu had definitely been surprised to see him. And that surprised had immediately turned to outrage when Dongwoo had explained quickly that Woohyun had let himself in using the room key in his wallet.

"I trusted you with my stuff, and you use it to break into my room? I thought you were better than that, Nam Woohyun."

Of course,  _he's_  the bad guy here. Not the guy who's apparently hurting one of the members of the band, or anything. No, never  _him_.

"We all trusted you with having power over the members, and you use it to hurt one of them? I thought  _you_  were better than that, Kim Sunggyu."

And the asshole starts  _laughing_. Full out laughing at him.

"You're an idiot. I mean, I knew that, but you've really outdone yourself this time, my god."

He struggles against Dongwoo's arms, straining to be let free, but Dongwoo holds tight with a strength that appears out of nowhere, quietly begging and pleading him to stop.

"Okay, then explain what I saw. Explain why I walked in on Dongwoo crying and he started apologizing, afraid, when he thought I was you. Because that's a normal, healthy situation."

The stupid smirk flies off of Sunggyu's face in an instant.

"That's none of your business."

"Convenient. You and I share everything - well, apparently not anymore. But you can tell me all this other stuff and lie in interviews and say I mean the world to you and all that bullshit but now it's time to keep secrets! Fuck you, Sunggyu."

"Fuck me? Fuck you! You didn't even tell me once about Sungyeol. What kind of best friend are you, that you didn't even share that you were in love with someone for two years? Your hypocrisy is astounding."

He's shaking now, in rage, and when his eyes slide over to Dongwoo's, penetrating him with all the weight of the betrayal, Dongwoo at least looks a bit ashamed.

"I didn't tell you because -"

"I know why. But that doesn't excuse it."

Dongwoo is shooting confused looks between them, questioning their exchange.

"Why are we even talking about this?! You're just deflecting."

"I don't have anything else to say to you. Leave, now."

"I'm not leaving until I get some answers!"

"You'll leave now, or I'll call CEO and tell him about you and Sungyeol immediately."

It's a low blow. A threat that has too much weight, that even Dongwoo cries out "no!". Sunggyu has turned into a complete, utter monster right before him, and his head is spinning.

"I'll tell him you're hurting Dongwoo!"

"He's not hurting me! I swear! Would I lie to you?"

And for the first time since he's walked into the room, he falters. Dongwoo seems sincere; he has every reason to lie, but his face is earnest and open. Dongwoo just doesn't look like he's lying, and he begins to wonder if maybe, maybe he does have something wrong here. Maybe it is bad, but maybe it's not as bad as he jumped to conclusions about.

So he leaves. Because even though he's worried sick about Dongwoo, he's wondering if maybe he just made the situation way worse, turning a molehill into a mountain. He has no idea. Something's wrong, but Dongwoo seemed so honest when he said he wasn't being hurt. It's so, so, so confusing. Sunggyu is definitely being an asshole, but in what way? It's all too much, and he can only go off what he's seen.

But if he had seen the way that Sunggyu had rushed over to Dongwoo the moment he left, pulling him close and kissing away the tears he was crying and whispering nonsense in his ears until he finally stopped sobbing, he would have realized that maybe he was being a bit of an asshole himself.

* * *

The last stop of the tour is awkward, at best. Woogyu is out in full force, as much as it kills him to fake. He keeps going back to Sungyeol, hugging him around the waist as if to rid himself of the taste of Sunggyu on his skin.

By the time they fly back into Incheon, everyone is splintered. He's not talking to Dongwoo or Sunggyu, and Sungyeol is hesitant in his own interactions with the pair. Even Myungsoo has woken up from his nightmare enough to give them all strange looks, and Howon and Sungjong stare from the side, like always, watching in silence. Even the managers have pulled them aside, asking if there are any conflicts that need to be resolved, but they all give the same answer:  _no, just tired and homesick, etc etc it's affecting my behavior, and so on. I'll try to act better with everyone else_.

They immediately split up, each going home for a brief moment before coming back to begin filming their new show, practicing for end of the year specials, and working on their new album. Things are still cool between them, but the break and constant schedules has everyone led everyone to become a bit warmer.

He still holds reservations about Dongwoo and Sunggyu both, but now that they are back they've seemingly dropped the over-politeness and returned to their normal behavior. Dongwoo even seems to have mostly returned to his happy-go-lucky self, nearly as playful and giddy as ever, and he really, really feels bad for potentially misjudging the situation.

But the lingering questions over what happened still confound him. On some level, Dongwoo was obviously hurting quite badly, and he finds that he can't overlook that. He just wants Dongwoo to open up a little, but he's afraid to revisit old wounds and further risk ruining his friendship with him (or worsening his relationship with Sunggyu, which is still completely floundering on the rocks).

Luckily for him, Dongwoo can't hold his liquor that well.

After a near week of constant promotions at the end of the year, the guys and a few friends decide to celebrate the new year together, a group tradition. Though none of them are really heavyweights at drinking, they go hard on New Year's like never before. He has to unwillingly drag himself away from a very drunk Howon dancing to Bar Bar Bar because his bladder is threaten to explode, though he's not sure if it's from laughing so hard or 6 (or was it 7?) beers.

He heads to the bathroom on the far side of the apartment, because, for the third year in a row, Myungsoo has taken up residence in the other, and will be there until early morning, puking his guts out. Sungyeol, in a award-worthy performance as 'Best Friend on Earth' is with him (also for the third year in a row), making sure he's okay as he intermittently cries and swears he's never, ever drinking again.

He sways into the bathroom, giggling at his own lightheadedness as he glides over the slippery tile in socks, when he spots Dongwoo, head resting on the toilet seat.

"Oh, you too?"

Dongwoo cracks one eye open, looking haggard, but still manages a smile.

"Is our Myungsoo-ah already down for the count? Third year in a row. What a champ."

And despite everything that's happened between them over the last month, they both start giggling together. It feels good, to be able to laugh like this together again. To know everything isn't lost, even if they are both definitely under the influence of some liquid mood enhancer at the moment.

"Do you mind? Or should I just pee in the shower?"

"Don't do that! That's unhygienic."

Dongwoo's words are definitely slurred, and he giggles at the idea of him peeing in the shower a little too much.

"Coming from the guy who's resting his head on a toilet seat."

Dongwoo concedes to his point, and rolls over on to the floor in the fetal position, groaning as he clutches his stomach.

"Are you going to get sick again? I should probably stay with you."

"Probably. I've only thrown up once, right before you came in. Those soju and beer things we made...I really shouldn't have had five of them. Back to back."

So he slides down the wall (very precariously), legs sprawled out on the bathroom floor. Dongwoo's flopped over to his back now, stretched out like he's in the most comfortable bed and not the cold, hard marble of a bathroom.

Which oddly reminds him of the first place he and Dongwoo ever had sex, where the beds were like clouds, they were so comfortable.

Which reminds him...

"Did you and Sunggyu fuck?"

* * *

He's never great with words, but the alcohol just completely destroys his filter. And sense of embarrassment. He's so curious on this train of the thought that he doesn't even have the capability of realizing he's being completely nosy and a little vulgar.

Thank God drunk Dongwoo seems to share those same traits.

"Yeah, like, twenty times."

 _Noooooooooooo way_ , he thinks.

"Twenty?! You roomed together for barely over a week!"

"I'm ballparking. I lost count after a while. It was a bit ridiculous."

"I'd say. You guys barely came up for air. Or food. Or practice."

"Don't exaggerate. It wasn't that like that."

Wasn't like what? He wants to ask, but gets distracted by his other memories from the trip, and he's already running down that trail before he knows it.

"So the crying...what did I walk into that day? Did I completely make an ass of myself, or was I right on something? This has been killing me, you know."

Dongwoo takes a deep sigh, obviously pondering if he should tell him or not.

"It's a long story."

Drunk Howon and his dancing be damned, he's fueled by drunk person determination now and he's not leaving until he hears this story (a decision aided by the fact that Sungjong is faithfully recording all the escapades of the living room and he'll wake up with the full video texted to his phone tomorrow).

"I'm not going anywhere, and I highly doubt you are either."

"True."

Dongwoo starts from the very beginning.

 


	2. Chapter 2

He had gone to find Woohyun as a means of getting away from Sunggyu, even momentarily. Though it made him feel like a real coward, he couldn't take his own advice and use this time to come to some understanding, some resolution with Sunggyu.

But eventually he finds himself standing at his own hotel room, hesitating with his hand on the door handle. He has no idea what to expect. Maybe Sunggyu'll keep up the charade, act like nothing's between them at all. Maybe he'll just ignore him straight out. It's been a long time since they've been truly alone, especially for an extended amount of time, and he won't deny that he's expecting the very worst.

He's not completely off in his expectations.

Sunggyu's reading something on his phone when he walks in, probably some very important e-mail from CEO-nim, but he nods his head in silent greeting, barely looking up as he does.

Well, he's not going to be totally ignored.

The air is slightly tense as he walks around the room, folding and refolding shirts and socks and clearing up his side of the room to keep himself busy. He debates taking a shower, just to get away for a moment, but kicks himself for being such a baby. It's just Sunggyu, a guy he's known for practically a third of his life now.

And yeah, a guy he's massively and helplessly in love with.

He's sorting through his hats for the third time when Sunggyu finally says something, in a tone that's calm but unmistakably serious.

"You made a big scene today, Dongwoo. In public, no less. We should all be lucky that no fans or press were around to see that, don't you think?"

Ah, a lecture. Luckily, he and the rest of the group are conditioned to these from years of being on the receiving end, so he's not so worried about Sunggyu's obvious disapproval.

"Yes, hyung. I'm sorry, hyung. I actually just went to Sungyeol and Woohyun right now to apologize. I don't know what got into me. This tour has definitely been more challenging than usual, and the stress made me snap. It won't happen again."

Unless Woohyun wastes this opportunity, and then he'll have to do something  **really**  drastic.

"We are professionals, Dongwoo. You've had years to experience this kind of stress. That doesn't excuse you potentially affecting the image on Infinite. I'd hate to think of what would happen if you did that again."

He really can't believe that Sunggyu's threatening him. It was one little incident, and, not to be that person, but everyone's already centered on Myungsoo's failings right now as is. Sunggyu is obviously going above and beyond the need for discipline for some other reason. It's too much to handle with him being emotional as is already, and he actually snaps a little this time for real.

"Why are you being so critical on me now? I said I was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. Is that not enough,  **hyung**?"

Sunggyu is very unpleased with his backtalk, and he can see his jaw clench before he spits out his response, eyes narrowed to slits.

"Because I don't appreciate you making an obvious fuss to help achieve whatever machinations you had planned. I certainly don't appreciate you pretending you were just "tired" and that's what led to it occurring."

He has to sit down, because his legs give out from the shock. Sunggyu is certainly one of the more cunning members in the group at times, but they've all managed to sneak stuff by him without problem in the past. He doesn't even know how Sunggyu would have a single hint he had some ulterior motive. Even Woohyun, the center of the whole plot itself, didn't realize.

"How?"

That's all he can say. He's speechless. Jang Dongwoo, resident loudmouth of Infinite, is at a total, utter loss for words.

Sunggyu seems almost insulted, as if he had held up a sign saying "I'm faking this whole scenario" and everyone and their brother could have seen through it.

"Isn't it obvious? I expected more from you, but I guess love makes you do crazy things. All things considered, however, you risked more than what was worth there."

Well, if he's already been outed, he might as well explain himself and save some face.

"I think it'll be worth it, hopefully. Isn't love always worth it? They really deserve the chance to see if they can make it work."

Sunggyu makes a loud choking sound, and when he looks over at him, his face is scarier than anything he's ever seen from Kim Sunggyu. He didn't think what he said was that bad, but before he can even begin to question Sunggyu's sudden change in emotion, Sunggyu is already providing the answer.

In a way, that is.

" **Who**.  **Is**. ' **They** '?"

Not for the first time in his life, he curses the ambiguity of language. Because he and Sunggyu were not having the same conversation at all. And now he has a lot of explaining to do.

* * *

He's never been great at escaping sticky situations, and it takes nearly no pressure at all from Sunggyu to get him to spill. Which he regrets, not only due to feelings of betrayal on his part towards Woohyun (then again, it isn't his fault Woohyun never mentioned to one of his supposed best friends he's been in love with someone (his own bandmate!) for two years), but because Sunggyu's reaction is much, much, much worse than he would have ever expected.

At least he's sensible in the object he finally picks up and throws, and even though the cap flies off once it slams against the wall, flinging the contents everywhere, it's only a bottle of water. He can't help but find some sort of humor in the situation, considering it wasn't so long ago he felt something very akin to this, but he decides that extra commentary might very well endanger his safety at the moment.

And really, he has to compliment Sunggyu on his creativity on his variety of curses and insults (mostly aimed at himself and Woohyun, with a few thrown at Sungyeol as well) as he rants and raves over how he's tried to be a good leader but everyone has seemingly disintegrated into a mess of unprofessionalism with their secret relationships and inter-band dating and public meltdowns.

He lets Sunggyu rant on and on for the better part of ten minutes, just because he has nothing to say. He almost wishes Sunggyu had just pretended he didn't exist when he came back now. At least then he wouldn't have outed Woohyun and Sungyeol and invoked Sunggyu's wrath. Not to mention there's the lingering problem of Sunggyu thinking his little performance today was a plot to get him to room with him, which is the most acknowledgment Sunggyu's had over his feelings probably ever. So he lets Sunggyu go on and on, hoping that this will keep his mind off of any other path Sunggyu might want to take to go ballistic over.

"Shit, is everyone in this damn band secretly in love with another man?"

He has to laugh at that. It's a coincidence he's thought of before, but never really cared to dwell on. At least four of the members have had girlfriends since their debut days, and beyond that, he's never really cared. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. It makes no difference to him.

"Myungsoo definitely isn't."

Sunggyu has to agree with that, conceding the point.

"Okay, but that's just one."

Maybe Sunggyu  _has_  finally gone crazy, because there's definitely more than one.

"Uhm, well, obviously Howon and Sungjong?"

Sunggyu shoots him such an incredulous look, like he's grown two heads or something, that he makes a mental note to come back to that at a later time, when Sunggyu is less likely to defenestrate him.

"Let's not forget you."

Sunggyu's been pacing the room since he first started going off, but he pauses at his statement, as if deeply pondering.

"Dongwoo, what's my longest relationship?"

It's an odd, sudden change of pace, but anything to keep Sunggyu from turning on him is just dandy in his book right now. Let's see...Sunggyu never dates for long, always too distracted by his dreams to be able to really commit to someone else. There have been a string of girls, most of them the group has never even met. They come in and out of Sunggyu's life in such a casual fashion he wonders if Sunggyu really even cares about them, or if they are just some temporary fix. The last girl, Eunkwang, seemed almost perfect for him, a happy, carefree master's student who counterbalanced the innate grumpiness Sunggyu exuded, and he obviously liked her enough to bring her around a few times. But, like the rest, Sunggyu stopped mentioning her one day, and they all took that as a hint that they shouldn't either.

It has to be Yoonseo, though. Sunggyu mentioned her for a solid four months (a lifetime in Sunggyu's book), even though none of them ever met her. But Sunggyu spent the most time with her out of all of his relationships since debut, even shirking off some of his duties and always disappearing to return late at night. They all kept waiting for Sunggyu to bring her around, until Sunggyu came home early one morning after spending the whole night out, looking dark and angry, and they all knew something had gone down.

"It was Yoonseo, right? You and her were together for twice as long as any of the rest of the relationships you had."

Sunggyu laughs at this, a hollow sound with little humor behind it.

"Yoonseo? Do you mean Joonseo?"

No, obviously he didn't mean Joonseo. Joonseo was one of Sunggyu's high school friends who moved to Seoul about a year after they debuted. They hung out a lot - he was a cool enough guy, if a little serious at times, with a grumpy manner that rivaled Sunggyu at his worst. He disappeared too, but the guys just assumed the striking similarities between the two led to them fighting, an occurrence that was definitely hinted at when they all got together. Joonseo stopped coming around right about the time that...

Wait, what the **fuck**?

His eyes shoot up, searching Sunggyu's face, and Sunggyu seems to relax a little bit.

"Oh, good. You seem to get it now. I was almost worrying I was going to have to spell it out for you."

And maybe, maybe his mind should be running a million miles a minute, speeding faster than the speed of light. But inside his head, there's just overwhelming silence. Nothingness, black and pervading.

"So...but then...I don't...Eunkwang and...what was her name...Seoyeon..."

"All authentic. I wouldn't use anyone as a cover like that, Dongwoo. Really now. I've dated men and women both."

And when it finally hits him, it's like a freight train running him over. He hates to be self-absorbed, so worried about himself only, but he feels like he's bleeding out, and it takes all his willpower to not dissolve into tears.

It was almost manageable when he thought that Sunggyu would never return his feelings just because his preferences didn't include men. It happens, and he worked through it all keeping this very fact in mind. It didn't help him resolve any feelings, but it did motivate him to keep moving on.

But this changes everything. Sunggyu knows, has always known, exactly how he feels for him, and he's never been anything but slightly cold towards him in response. Because even though Sunggyu could love him, he doesn't. He doesn't look at him at all like that.

It's such a teenager's response, to be so upset over unrequited love and internally question one's own flaws and faults to find some answer to "why don't you love me back?" But even as an adult, he's finding it very hard to not break down and sob much like his 16 year old self did the first time he got broken up with.

Sunggyu seems not to notice, however, and keeps going.

"You're wrong, though. My longest relationship is...hm, a little over three years now. Well, maybe longer if you count before we really got serious. But if we go off the real anniversary, we'll call it at three."

Sunggyu says it like he thinks he's so witty, that this analogy is some creative genius on his part.

"I have a lot of...loyalty...to my relationship. Sure, other people have come and gone that I've messed around with for a while, but almost no one ever comes close to my love for my one and only. There have been many instances in which I've debated really doing something that could harm my relationship, in a very big way, because I've felt like I selfishly deserved it. That I really should be able to get everything I want, everyone I want, just because I earned it. I played out this dream a million times in my head, sometimes with the best possible endings, but mostly with all the things that could go wrong. Because that's our life, isn't it? We can't get everything we want, especially in love, because there's just too much weighing on us, too many expectations, too many people watching. As much as I want it, I just don't think it's the best idea right now. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

And it would be really hard not to, because Sunggyu's holding his face in his hands while he says this, thumbs stroking away tears that are falling down his face, eyes sad as he stares into him as if he's looking into his soul.

He nods once, incapable of vocalizing anything. And that's all it takes for Sunggyu to pull him down on to the bed, capturing him in an embrace like a vice grip. It's so hard for his heart to decide what he feels about this situation, because while Sunggyu basically just completely wrote off any idea that they might be together, the way Sunggyu runs his hands down his back, through his hair, over his face, delicate and light, makes his heart speed up.

He rests his head on Sunggyu's chest, finding comfort in the rhythmic beat of his heart against his ear, slow and steady. Sunggyu can't keep his hands of him, rubbing up and down his arm, fingers tickling the back of his neck, toes playing footsies with his own. He recognizes the cognitive dissonance going on in his mind, the ideas that he and Sunggyu can't be together fighting with the desire to keep doing this, but he finds himself sucked in before he can stop. Sunggyu is watching him, lids heavy with obvious desire, and he's moving up to kiss him before he can stop himself.

He can feel Sunggyu's breath fan over his lips, smell the alluring scent that is uniquely him, as he draws closer. His eyes close on their own accord and his head turns naturally, obeying a pattern that is mostly human instinct, when he feels a hand press against his shoulder, stopping him from closing the gap between them.

"Dongwoo..."

Sunggyu's tone is part warning and part understanding, an acknowledgment of mutual desire that cannot be reconciled. His eyes snap open, and Sunggyu barely manages to grab hold of his wrist before he bounds off the bed. He's seething, but only at himself; he's mortified, humiliated, embarrassed that he read the situation wrong, and even though Sunggyu is trying his damnedest to pull him back, he resists.

"Dongwoo, don't be like that. It's okay."

Sunggyu is pleading, but there's a bit of humor in his voice, something he resents. Sunggyu is trying to be teasing to lighten the situation, but he honestly cannot remember a time where he's been more embarrassed, and he finally manages to pull his wrist free, unable to meet Sunggyu's gaze.

He grabs his phone and wallet, heading toward the door, all while Sunggyu is yelling after him. He can't stay in here with him. He has no idea where's he going, but he sure the hell is going to put some distance between himself and Sunggyu and try to sort out exactly what's going on in his heart.

He isn't surprised that Sunggyu doesn't chase after him, and he isn't surprised when he gets a text after a while, asking if he's okay. He certainly hopes that Sunggyu isn't surprised when he doesn't respond.

He doesn't know how long he's been sitting alone on this terrace, staring at the far off buildings and monuments lit up like a Christmas tree, when he spots Sungyeol and Woohyun outside the glass doors, holding hands and giggling about something. Even though he's spent the last few hours icing over his heart, the only way he thinks he can survive seeing Sunggyu again (much less existing in general), the sight of the two of them thaws him out a little bit. He's surprised to see Sungyeol walk away before Woohyun enters, and he anticipates exactly what Woohyun already thinks.

When Woohyun tries to pull it out of him, it takes the strength of a much stronger man to resist breaking down right there. So he tells him nothing happened - in a way, nothing did (and yet, everything did, too).

After Woohyun departs, he drags himself back to the hotel room looking for a few hours of blissful unconsciousness, and hopes desperately Sunggyu is asleep and not still awake like he is. He slips in, quiet as a mouse, and Sunggyu sleeps through his entrance, completely dead to the world.

He pretends to sleep through Sunggyu's alarm a few hours later, something he gets away with given his usual habit of sleeping like the dead. He hears Sunggyu sit up and groan before realizing he's there as well, and it's a few moments before Sunggyu sighs deeply and gets up to start his day. He falls back asleep to the sound of the shower running and Sunggyu singing over the rushing water.

The cool hand and water droplets on his skin pull him out of sleep so abruptly he sits up with a jolt, looking around frantically. Sunggyu is sitting on the edge of his bed, clad only in a towel and dripping beads of water everywhere. He looks worried but impassive, almost as if he's moved on from the situation already, leaving him to wallow in it by himself.

"Hey. I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You never answered my text last night..."

He doesn't even try to lie. What's the point, anyways? Sunggyu would know in a second if he even tried. So he turns his gaze to Sunggyu, trying to convey as much emotion as he can in the gaze they share, and Sunggyu looks away sheepishly.

"Well...you should get up and get ready. We have to leave soon. Okay?"

He nods once in understanding, and Sunggyu goes to turn away, before he remembers what he has to tell him.

"I ran into Woohyun this morning. He had gone out for coffee with Sungyeol, I think. He, uh....he suspects something, and when I tried to convince him nothing happened, he didn't believe me. He said he'd ask you, and I said you wouldn't even know what he was talking about. But if he does...well, do what you want. Be prepared that he may come looking for answers."

Sunggyu's mouth is a grim line, and his eyes grow dark in frustration before he turns away with a distant "okay."

He heads to the shower, tired and miserable. He has no idea how he's going to get through the day, much less the rest of his life.

* * *

Sunggyu's gone when he gets out, and he packs up and gets ready like he's a robot, not even aware he's cleaned up the whole room and gotten dressed until he pulls his bag to the door, one last look over his shoulder to make sure he didn't forget anything.

In the hall, he runs into Jungryoul, hurrying towards Howon and Sungjong's room, and the manager gives him instructions to pass on to Sunggyu when he sees him. It's not exactly like he can say " _I'd rather light myself on fire than have to face his right now_ ", so he begrudgingly agrees to let him know when he finds him.

He spots Sunggyu and Woohyun just outside the lobby, and his stomach flips. He doesn't hear what they are talking about as he approaches them, but Woohyun is usually good to his word, and Sunggyu doesn't look the happiest he's ever been, even if it is morning.

He tries, and manages well, to act completely normal, but that still doesn't prevent the air from taking on an electric charge that he knows even Woohyun can feel. Indeed, Woohyun is shifting his eyes between them, obviously trying to discern whatever he can from the situation. Sunggyu acts like his normal grumpy self as well, and he walks away, feeling comforted in the fact that both of them can apparently fake it if they need to.

That's one less thing he has to worry about.

* * *

He has to remain in Sunggyu's presence all day, and throws himself fully into preparations for their next performance as a means of distracting himself. It works well - he barely has time to breath, the way he's going, but as they drive back to the hotel, he can't help the dread that spreads through his body.

So he does everything he can to stay out of the room as long as possible, taking a walk around the city and working out despite the long day's schedule. He finally manages to convince himself its time for a shower and bed, and he drags his feet, praying Sunggyu is at least asleep already.

Sunggyu is absent when he gets back, and it's all the reprieve he hoped for. He jumps in the shower immediately, hoping he can get in and get out and be in bed before Sunggyu returns from wherever he is. He's standing in the middle of the room, drying his hair, when he hears the key card slide in the door, and his stomach drops like a roller coaster.

He's perfectly content to finish up and go to sleep immediately without saying a word to Sunggyu, but apparently Sunggyu has very different ideas.

"Well, this certainly isn't the seduction I was expecting. You could have tried a little harder to be sexy, maybe put on some lingerie and laid on my bed or something."

Sunggyu's tone is full of humor, but he personally doesn't find it funny at all. How much more could Sunggyu rub it in his face that he obviously wants him, especially after the awkward situation from last night? It's perfectly Sunggyu behavior, but it hurts much more than usual right now, and he doesn't even think to grace Sunggyu with a response.

He tries to brush pass Sunggyu to return his towel to the bathroom, but Sunggyu grabs his arm, a little too harshly for liking, and pulls him up against his body, face dark and stormy.

"I'd pay a little more attention to me right now if you don't want to live with any regrets later on, you know?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Sunggyu grabs him by the waist, dragging him forward until their hips bump, and he can very insistently feel exactly what Sunggyu's apparently talking about. If this is another one of Sunggyu's games, or attempts to torture him, he's probably going to kill him, straight out.

"What are you doing?"

He hates the way his voice catches as Sunggyu undulates against him, circling their hips again and again. Sunggyu apparently loves it though, and he growls as he grinds roughly against him, making them both groan.

"I'm trying to make some memories here with you right now. Care to join me?"

And it's the weirdest, most pretentious way he's ever back asked if he's willing, if he wants someone as much as they want him, and even though the logical part of his brain is screaming "don't you dare!", some other part of him is making him nod his head.

Sunggyu grabs his face, pulling him in for a bruising kiss that he would usually define as "bad", way too rough with too much tongue, except it's Sunggyu kissing him, and after all these years of overwhelming desire, he kisses back just as roughly and sloppily, not letting Sunggyu break away as he pushes him down on the bed.

If this is his only shot, his only chance to soak Sunggyu in and learn his secrets and the way his skin tastes and how he cries out, he's not going to waste a single second of tonight.

* * *

He doesn't know what he expected, but this definitely wasn't it.

Sunggyu is so selfish, such an ass in everyday life sometimes, that he almost expected to be fucked and chucked, kicked out of bed within the hour with the parting words of "hope it was good, have a nice life."

So when Sunggyu pulls back from the first bruising kiss a little, leaving his lips lingering gently on his own, and changes the pace completely, it takes him for a ride. Sunggyu devotes all his energy into pleasing him, finding out what he likes and making sure he's well taken care of like no one he's ever hooked up with before.

Sunggyu doesn't even let him touch him too much, concentrating solely on his satisfaction until he's harder, more aroused than ever before. Even in the haze of lust, his brain still has the power to recognize that, holy fucking shit, it's never felt like this before, ever.

Maybe it's the genuine love he has for Sunggyu. He's never loved someone the way he does now, not even close, and he realizes that maybe people weren't kidding when they said that it really does feel completely different when you have sex with someone you truly do love. He feels like he's on fire, a burning inferno of the most exquisite sensations he's ever felt.

Sunggyu apparently has no qualms about doing whatever he can to make him feel good, and he dedicates so much time going down on him, that he begins to feel bad. But Sunggyu actually seems to be almost enjoying himself, intent with purpose, and he lays back, having to manually remember to keep breathing.

When Sunggyu finally rises up over him, leaving him on the edge of orgasm in the most deliciously teasing way that promises more later, the look in his eyes totally banishes any lingering thoughts he might have had about what they are doing. Because, right now, the look in Sunggyu's eyes is everything, his whole life and world, and he doesn't know how he's managed to live 24 years on this Earth and not know such staggering beauty could exist.

Sunggyu reaches over, hand fumbling in his bag on the nightstand, and when he sees what he's been looking for, the words are already spilling out of his mouth.

"Where did you get that?"

The box is in French, and as Sunggyu sits back to open the packaging, he shoots him an obvious look.

"I procured it from thin air. Where do you think I got it from? I went to the drug store a few blocks away and bought it, of course."

He can't imagine that Kim Sunggyu, eternal protector of the image of Infinite, went out and bought lube in a public place where he could have been seen by a fan (or any other living soul in general), and he says as much.

"Yeah, well, I had my hoodie on and my medical mask, and I kind of forgot they don't really wear them here, so I'm pretty sure the attendant though I was robbing her store at first, but when she saw what I was buying, she just smiled a little bit."

He feels so much more at ease now (though how could he not be, with a naked bandmate and object of his affection situated between his open thighs), and he decides to tease Sunggyu a little back in retaliation for all his recent sass.

"And what if I said no, huh? You jumped the gun there expecting me to just fall into your open arms, don't you think?"

Sunggyu seems to debate this logically as he finally gets the bottle open, pouring a bit of liquid over his fingers and rubbing it in, warming it up between his hands.

"Well, it's not like this stuff goes bad. I could always save it for the next person."

He gets that Sunggyu is answering him honestly, but it kills him a little to imagine there would ever be anyone else besides him in this position, and he starts to falter. But then Sunggyu is kissing him, bringing him back out, and he gets lost in the tide once again.

Sunggyu is so delicate and caring in his preparations, he feels like he's going insane. He doesn't even have the willpower to be embarrassed over his half-sobs and pleas, and it drives him a little crazy when Sunggyu grins, obviously knowing the effect he's having on him and enjoying it. It's been a long time since he was in this position, but Sunggyu goes breathtakingly slow and gentle, letting his body adjust to every new sensation completely before continuing on.

He doesn't know how long it lasts, doesn't really care, but Sunggyu seems to take an eternity, slowly increasing the pace increment by increment, continually stroking him in a pattern matched perfectly by the movement of his hips. He pleads again and again for Sunggyu to be harder, faster, but Sunggyu resists, teasing him the whole way along, and he has to admit that it does really feel better this way.

The pressure builds slowly within him, the wind turning from that of a gentle summer shower into a raging hurricane, deafening and overwhelming, and he barely manages to cover his face with the pillow beside him in time when he's finally thrown to the wind like a bird, because the noises he makes are barely human, and if his mind wasn't a blank, blinding white at the moment, he might have been embarrassed by his reaction.

Sunggyu loves it though, eats the whole thing up as he harshly whispers in his ear "wow baby, that was an intense orgasm", and even though he's still in a daze as the aftershocks rock his body, he manages to slam his hips down to meet Sunggyu, and Sunggyu's there, mouth pressed into his shoulder, crying out his name in a way he know he'll never, ever forget, not in a million years.

He worries for a moment if this is it, if Sunggyu's regret will kick in and he'll jump back, disgusted by what transgressed, and not even be able to meet his eye. But Sunggyu's already cleaning him up, a package of wet wipes pulled from his bag (well, he really didn't expect to be turned down at all), and the moment he's done with that, he's kissing him again, slow and gentle, reaching over to turn off the lights and snuggle down into the bed, two sets of limbs tangled haphazardly together.

"We should sleep, we have a long day tomorrow."

And with that, Sunggyu pulls him close, and he can't remember the last time he was this content.

* * *

_We should sleep_ , he thinks mockingly to himself the second time Sunggyu wakes him up, just before dawn, kisses insistent with intent.

 _Whatever you say, Sunggyu_.

* * *

He thinks they do a pretty great job at acting normal, if he must say so himself. It's hard to contain himself, to act normal when he feels like a high schooler who's just discovered how great sex can be, and the looks Sunggyu shoots him when he's sure no one else will see drive him even more mad.

He avoids Woohyun at all costs, but only because he knows he's so close to giving something away that it becomes self-preservation. Sunggyu asked him not to say anything, and though he agrees with the reasoning (mostly), he still feels a bit bad for hiding something of this magnitude from Woohyun. Even lying by omission hurts enough as is.

Sunggyu mentions something the second day they room together, when they are both exhausted from another long day of practicing (and other activities). They're cooling down, sprawled out on the bed together, fingers interlocked, when Sunggyu brings up the topic he had been pondering over himself.

"Look...I think it's best if we keep this as quiet as possible. If anyone finds out, we'll almost certainly be in major trouble, and I don't want that to ruin this, okay?"

Dongwoo definitely agrees, even though he's still not sure what 'this' is. Soon, reality's going to catch up to him and he's going have to deal with the consequences, but right now, he's okay with deluding himself just a little.

"Well of course. It's not like I'm going to start making out with you in front of Jungryoul or announcing we're together in interviews. I know how to act about this, hyung."

Sunggyu seems to weigh his next words carefully, and he's already anticipating something bad before he even speaks.

"No, I mean... **no one**  can know. Not your friends from back home you're really close to. Not your family. And especially...especially not the other guys. Particularly Woohyun."

It's a red flag, for sure. He's dated a few people who were absolutely stringent with him keeping their relationship under wraps, and, as he came to find, it was usually for the wrong reason - mostly him being "the other person". He doesn't think Sunggyu is that type of guy, that he has another person that he's trying to hide from him, but it's hard for his mind not to go to that place. A slip of reality flits into his mind, that he'll never be able to openly say "I'm in love Kim Sunggyu" like he wants, and he feels the burning in his throat almost immediately. He makes a low of sound of agreement, not trusting his voice not to crack, and turns over on his side, suddenly unsure of this whole situation. Sunggyu pulls him back almost immediately, hovering over him in an instant.

Asshole behavior aside, Sunggyu isn't necessarily uncaring of anyone's feelings, but he's taken aback when he sees tears in Sunggyu's eyes that reflect his own. Sunggyu's hand shakes a little as it strokes his face, and for the first time, he realizes Sunggyu is just as torn apart and confused as he is in this situation. Even though he's calling the shots for the most part, going off the learned behavior he's picked up as his role as a leader, he's also hurting here.

"Baby...I don't like it either. At all. I don't like sneaking around and lying by omission and keeping secrets. But do you know what I do like? Having a job. Not being watched like a hawk like Myungsoo is right now. Not being blasted in the papers and ripped apart for being human and have feelings. And the only way to guarantee it stays that way is if only you and I know. It kills- it absolutely kills me to see you cry and know it's over me. I've seen it too many times over the years, and it's never gotten any easier. It feels like a knife turning in my heart. So please, please...I beg of you, don't cry over me. Because my heart can't take it."

And they are both crying, holding on to each other like their lives depend on it, and he swears, to the best of his ability, he's going to be strong as he can, for the both of them.

* * *

It's a lot harder than he imagines, trying to be strong for the both of them.

It's a few days before their very last concert, and it's all caught up to them. He's tired, not sleeping as much as he should be, and exhausted from the mental battle of acting normal in front of everyone else.

He presses his face into the nook of Sunggyu's shoulder during a break in rehearsal, nose inhaling the scent of sweat and Kim Sunggyu, and he feels Sunggyu tense. It's not necessarily out of the ordinary for him, but they've been overcorrecting their behavior so much, he supposes it may seem a little strange. He looks around, but everyone else is concentrated on their own tiredness so much, he doubts anyone even noticed.

That doesn't mean he gets off free, however.

The moment they hit the hotel room, Sunggyu is on him. Though he doesn't raise his voice and speaks normally for the most part, the edge is definitely there.

"You weren't careful today, Dongwoo. What did we talk about?"

It's so borderline condescending that it sets his teeth on edge, and with everything else going on, he bites the inside of his mouth to refrain from answering back with pure, unfiltered emotion.

"Yes, hyung. I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

Sunggyu sighs deeply, looking him over.

"You know I'm just looking out for us, right? I'm doing this for us, not just to be an ass."

Sure. Fine. Whatever.

He puts on a good act, agreeing with Sunggyu until he's appeased, but he can feel the pressure building behind his eyes, and he needs to get away from here before he breaks down and has Sunggyu worried all over again.

Luckily, Sunggyu provides him a way out, without even knowing.

"Hey, I need to hit the gym. Wanna tag along? We should get some exercise that doesn't involve a bed."

God, Sunggyu is so cheesy sometimes, he can't help but smile.

"No, no, go ahead. I think I'm going to take a walk. I need some fresh air."

"Alright. I'll be back within the hour, if you want to meet me back here and get some dinner, okay? See you soon."

As soon as the door closes, he's already breaking down.

* * *

It's just too much to handle. Being on tour is one thing. He wants desperately to go home, to have a break and see his parents and sisters and sleep and relax and be normal for just a day. But he also knows the moment they get back, this is all going to end.

Sunggyu didn't promise him anything, no hope for any future. If anything, the way he's acting, the unquenched desire that wakes him up in the middle of the night and keeps him coming back again and again and again is surely a sign he also knows it, and that he's taking what he can, while he can.

So he hides it the best that he can, not wanting to ruin any of the precious time that they have. The sand of their affair is slipping down into the other side of the hourglass, and he can't do anything to stop it. And, really, he doesn't want to let Sunggyu see him like this, to get him crying too, because while he can swallow his own pain, seeing Sunggyu hurt is heart breaking.

He doesn't know how long he's been sitting there, trying to stop himself, when he hears the door open. Surely it hasn't been a full hour yet, and he tries his hardest to wipe his face off, futilely attempting to act like nothing's wrong.

He says something over his shoulder, scrambling to put on a brave face, when he hears a voice that definitely doesn't belong to Sunggyu, and he panics.

He has no idea how Woohyun got in, but he's here somehow, and he's  _pissed_. He can barely correct him, try to explain in a way what's going on without giving away everything, because he's fumbling his words so badly, making everything look way worse than it really is.

If he could, he would admit it's not great. He's hiding his feelings from Sunggyu like now, and they're hiding from the world and expecting that to not come back to bite them in the ass later on down the road. But it's all he's got, and Woohyun barging in is a real threat to the continued survival of...whatever they are doing.

He tries to get Woohyun to leave, to have a moment to think and to get Sunggyu back and talk about this and figure out what the hell they are going to do, but Woohyun refuses to budge, and he really starts to panic. Is Sunggyu going to end it all, right here, because they've been found out? Just a little more time is all he wants, please, god, don't take this away from him.

But when Sunggyu shows up, it really goes straight to hell. He's torn between his loyalty to both, desperately trying to keep them apart, even as Woohyun fights against his hold. He understands both sides of their anger, but both of them are also being assholes. Sunggyu is intentionally pushing buttons, threatening things Dongwoo can't help but feel sick about. Woohyun is just assuming he's right about everything, and not listening to a single world either of them are trying to tell him. By the time Woohyun finally storms out, he's ready to dissolve completely.

Sunggyu's there, kissing his face and whispering in his ear, but he feels just as upset about him as he does about Woohyun. Despite being best friends and knowing each other's breaking points better than any one else, what Sunggyu threatened was just...evil, pure and simple, and he pulls away from him in disgust.

"How dare you? Imagine if he had done the same to you, threatening to go to CEO-nim. He could if he wanted to! How can you call him your best friend and act like that? What kind of person are you?"

Sunggyu lets him go, ranting and raving and letting everything out all at once, and though he doesn't cry, he at least is mature enough to look a bit ashamed at his own behavior.

"I can't do this. I can't lie to them and to the world and to everyone anymore. I did that for three years, Sunggyu. I just want to love you, and I know that's a lot to ask, and I'm not saying I'll only be happy if I can go scream it off the top of every building in Seoul, but this is killing me. If you're planning on giving me the cold shoulder once we get back again, acting like you don't know exactly how I feel, then tell me now, right now, because I'm done with this ruining every relationship it touches."

And though he had wanted to keep sleeping, just to continue the dream he was in, it feels good to wake up a little bit to the situation he's been ignoring and finally add his own input into what he wants. He totally expects Sunggyu to blow him off, to say "we're done then" and go on his merry way, but at least he knows he went out fighting and not resigning himself to his fate.

"Dongwoo, I can't..."

He expected that, but it still hurts. He nods slowly, avoiding Sunggyu's eye, trying to keep it together and just go to bed and sleep so that he can be unconscious for a little while. He turns to his bed, conversation complete in his mind.

Sunggyu pulls him back, however, until he's standing between his legs, looking straight down at him.

"That's not what I meant. Listen to me. I can't...I can't promise you nearly anything. You've seen me, how I am with relationships. I meant it when I said that I'm loyal to one thing above all else. And that's why I tried, for so long, to stay away, to keep you at a distance. Because fucking over some person who I don't ever have to see again is one thing. But doing the same to you...I couldn't. And I was worried that's all that would happen. I'm still worried that I'll become that person to you. But...I'm willing to try. If you're willing to allow me. I can't promise you cute texts and anniversary gifts and me sweeping you off your feet for some weekend rendezvous on the islands. But I can promise you I'm going to try the best that I can, and it'll be so much less than you deserve, but everything I do do for you will come straight from my heart, okay?"

And, really, what else could he say to that?

* * *

"Oh shit, I really was wrong. Well, mostly. I mean, he's still a major asshole and-"

"Watch yourself, Nam."

Both he and Woohyun jump at the sound of Sunggyu's voice, threatening but with a hint of humor as well.

"Ya, how long have you been standing there? You should have announced yourself!"

"Long enough. Are you finally satisfied in your poking around, you gossipmonger?"

"Gossipmonger?! I was just looking out for the welfare of my beloved hyung, you piece of..."

 _Well_ , he thinks,  _it's good to see that Woohyun and Sunggyu are back to normal_. Now everyone can finally relax, and settle in, because it's a new era of Infinite that's headed their way. One with a lot more love.

"And how could you call me a hypocrite, Mr. I'll-Kick-Anyone-Who-Dates-In-The-Company's-Ass? Are you prepared to punish yourself justly?"

He can't help but jump in after hearing that, because he's never heard that rule come out of Sunggyu's mouth.

"Wait, what?"

"You don't know this story? So this guy, like a month after we debut, has this like three hour conversation with me about how he totally is against dating in-house, particularly in-band, and that if he ever found out about anything happening between members he would personally see to their dismissal, if possible. And that's why I never told him about Sungyeol, because I thought he'd come after me if I did."

Oh. Well that makes that scene in hotel room a lot more clear now.

Sunggyu is mumbling something about only saying that because he himself was in denial, causing Woohyun to jump him, repeatedly yelling "I'm sorry, can you say that again? I didn't hear you!" until the two of them are rolling on the floor together, laughing as they try to drunkenly play-fight.

When they finally pull apart, Sunggyu straightens out his clothes in a very serious manner than comes before a very leader-ish declaration, and both he and Woohyun sit up to see what he's going to say.

"Besides, if I enforced that rule, we would have been down to a 5 member group  _years_  ago."

The collective noise from he and Woohyun screaming "WHAT?!" together is so loud Sunggyu complains for three days that he can't hear from his left ear, and they have to deal with his extra whines with the straightest of faces while the rest of the confused members look on.

* * *

There is one thing that he leaves out in his story, but only because he does see the sense in keeping some things between just two people. It's not a necessary detail, even though he knows Woohyun would have loved to know it anyway, to _ooh_ and _aah_ and probably hold it over Sunggyu's head like the bad friend that he is.

The last night before they flew out, he and Sunggyu were laying in bed, near sleep after an exhaustive exercise in using their last real free time together well, when Sunggyu began talking to him again.

"I can't love you a lot. Not yet. But I do love you a little. And maybe, if I start with just that little bit, I can turn it into a lot."

And with that, he closed the book of his life that told the story of every day he lived before Kim Sunggyu told him he loved him. Now it was time to begin writing a new one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man this has been such a ride let me tell you. I hope you all enjoyed it!
> 
> If you spotted my secret ship in this whole series I'll give you $5.
> 
>  
> 
> Just kidding, but you deserve a high-five at the very least.

**Author's Note:**

> dun dun dunnnnnnnnnn


End file.
